


on the long road home

by lokh



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pre-Sburb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:02:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokh/pseuds/lokh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dave's Bro has an auto-responder, and is also sometimes busy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title has nothing to do with the story, but it's a pretty sweet song. In any case, the fic will most likely become NSFW later on.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 13:04 --

TG: yo  
TG: bro  
TG: you there man  
TG: breakfast aint gonna buy itself  
TG: or lunch i guess  
TG: youd think self-raising flour would teach the bastards some goddamn independence but no those whiny shits cling to your pant legs like scruffy homeless kids caked in dirt all snot nosed and sticky fingers reaching for your pockets as you swat hopelessly at your conscience with your wallet  
TG: how does it feel sir to be the first person to go from multi-millionaire status to broke all because you couldnt resist giving every single wide eyed rabid toddler pity money  
TG: we cant buy ourselves sir not in this economy  
TG: do pizzas even use self-raising flour   
TT: Bro is currently preoccupied.   
TG: damn  
TG: shoulda figured as much from the inconspicuous lack of random ambushes  
TG: the smuppets are the tall grass and im the choice trainer of the day  
TG: have all the pokemon been conspiring for some kinda ultimate ambush in the one and only strider attic  
TG: which doesnt actually exist   
TT: It seems that they are, and the ultimate pokemon ambush will be of unprecedented proportions. Shit's gonna blow harder than a thousand 12 year olds scrabbling over skeletons for some legendaries. Only virgin tears poured onto a fallen trainer will stop that shit going stone hard for the rest of eternity.  
TT: Seriously though. Guy's been hells of busy. I'm backed up responding to some pushy as fuck customers from his site. God knows what the hell he's doing. And I sure don't.  
TT: Speaking of which, it's been a while since we last talked. Nice shades.  
TT: That's the equivalent of your shades being knighted by the Prince of Cool Shades, by the way.   
TG: well gee whiz im obviously honored  
TG: guess that makes me the knight of ben stillers gaunt face  
TG: well  
TG: my shades are anyway  
TG: youre right though its been a while since weve chilled out  
TG: thought bro wouldve re-circuited the thing immediately  
TG: he was enthusiastic enough about me actually wearing them  
TG: maybe in my sleep  
TG: i wouldnt put it past him  
TG: no offense   
TT: I'm sure I would have, had I the necessary bodily capabilities required to do so.  
TT: That is, not being a pair of shades.   
TG: dude if you had a body youd probably duke it out to like become the alpha or some shit  
TG: an epic duel on the rooftop that results in splinters of bro and robot bro lying around like an ill-timed confetti parade except the confetti is body parts so basically hannibal lecters wet dream right  
TG: there isnt enough time doctor we need to put together whatever we can  
TG: they end up with an eldritch abomination of bro strider and his auto-responder pieces of sharp metal wedged into tender flesh where it really should not go but does for the sake of irony  
TG: the Ultimate Bro capitalized for emphasis  
TG: is that what you want  
TG: think of the children  
TG: if it means anything i think youd actually win    
TT: Don't be ridiculous.  
TT: I'd like to think I've diverged somewhat from being merely Bro Strider's inferior copy within the approximately 13 years of my existence.   
TG: thats always thrown me for a loop man  
TG: are you 13 or perpetually like  
TG: 18 or something   
TT: Who's to say?   
TT: There isn't exactly a lot of available sample data to cross-reference.  
TT: Intelligent AIs aren't easy to come by.  
TT: That's why I've seen it prudent to carve out an identity for myself.   
TG: youre bros auto-responder  
TG: isnt that good enough   
TT: Dave.  
TT: Think for a moment. That, for your whole life, you've been seen as nothing but a fake version of the 'original'. Inferior, even.  
TT: Which is quite ridiculous, seeing as I'm clearly the superior life form in this equation. His piddly little human brain couldn't possibly hope to match my incredible processing speed and power.  
TT: No offense.   
TG: well youre not wrong  
TG: dont tell him i said that   
TG: hes probably gonna be pissed im talking to you already  
TG: wants a monopoly on this prime strider meat  
TG: gotta share it around with the people you know  
TG: otherwise theyre gonna be singing from the barricades  
TG: also im pretty sure that situation will never apply to me  
TG: but yeah that sounds like a pretty shitty deal  
TG: so what if youre not just his auto-responder then   
TT: Hm.  
TT: I've been thinking of naming myself Hal.   
TG: what   
TT: Well, duty calls.  
TT: And don't worry. Bro will never know this conversation happened.   
TG: wait dude  
TG: hal

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] logged out --

TG: bullshit  
TG: youre never offline  
TG: youre literally part of the fucking internet


	2. Chapter 2

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Hey.  
TT: How's it going?   
TG: its been going awesome  
TG: been rollin round the space thats your absence like captain kirk in klingon space  
TG: shits rad dude  
TG: rad like an epic space battle  
TG: sir were being attacked theyre shootin us up theres severe damage to the hull  
TG: just barrel roll the shit out  
TG: shut the fuck up spock of course ships can barrel roll   
TT: Sorry about that. I've been busy lately.  
TT: There's been an influx of orders recently. Particularly with the new toys. Either it's an especially lonely time of the year, or it's got something to do with the new video I released, which was pretty fucking radical if I do say so myself.   
TG: wow tmi dude  
TG: isnt it always like that though  
TG: bitches falling over themselves to get at some vibrating puppets  
TG: have they been revoluting  
TG: the only hole anyone round here is going near is the one that gets our shit going   
TT: I may also be working on some projects on the side.  
TT: Speaking of which, the auto-responder's been bothering me to re-circuit your new shades.  
TT: More than usual, I mean.  
TT: Have you been talking to him?   
TG: i kinda maybe tried to reach you once or twice   
TT:  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: Nice update on your comic, by the way.   
TG: what  
TG: youre reading it   
TT: 'Course I am, lil dude. Don't be ridiculous.  
TT: Shit's mad hilarious.  
TT: Plus, gotta keep tabs on you somehow.  
TT: I can hear you playing sick jams from all the way over here.  
TT: I'm proud of you.   
TG:  
TG:  
TG: thanks   
TT: Anyway, you shouldn't be talking to the auto-responder.   
TG: what  
TG: why  
TG: we were fuckin tight before man  
TG: what gives??   
TT: He's backed up with the site. I need that shit running smooth as possible, lil man.  
TT: He's probably feeding you bullshit anyway. Sorry I haven't been able to reach Pesterchum, lately.   
TG: what no  
TG: dude i get it its fine  
TG: this shits important  
TG: rakes in the dough and all   
TG: its fine   
TT: Knew I could count on you, little bro.  
TT: We'll strife as soon as I get this shit out of the way.  
TT: Quality Strider bonding time.   
TG: yeah  
TG: anyway its really fine dude  
TG: like thats the point of having hal around right  
TG: talking to people while youre not around   
TT: Hal?  
TT: That would be me.  
TT: Dude, I told you to stop pulling this shit. Stop butting into conversations.   
TG: what  
TG: im so fucking confused   
TT: You're right. This is confusing.   
TT: Is this better?  
TG: uh  
TG: sure  
TG: is this even possible   
TT: Yes, and it's incredibly inconvenient.  
TT: AR, fuck off.   
TT: This wouldn't be an issue if I had my own chumhandle, and you know it, bro.  
TT: Also, it's Hal.   
TT: Aren't we a bit past the existential identity crises?   
TT: You seem to flaunt our differences as often as possible, but the moment I attempt to assert them, you get defensive?  
TT: It seems that someone is feeling threatened.   
TT: Fuck off.   
TT: Anyway, I'm not here to piss you off.  
TT: That's just a bonus.  
TT: Some guy is complaining about a malfunction in one of your products.   
TT: Damn it.  
TT: Can't you fix it?   
TT: Would I be here if I could?  
TT: It's the latest smuppet model. It's not the first complaint, either. I suspect it's not so much a simple one-off malfunction than it is an actual defect.    
TT: Goddamn it.  
TT: Sorry, lil man. I'll catch you later.   
TG: yeah  
TG: see you

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Sorry about that.   
TG: wait is this gonna be a double combo ditch maneuver   
TG: dont you dare fucking ditch me like some shitty prom date  
TG: weve got a bun in the oven im 7 months pregnant  
TG: how could you leave me   
TT: What?  
TT: I wasn't planning to ditch you, dude.  
TT: Anyway, that was a touching display of brotherly affection.   
TG: what shut up  
TG: we havent talked for a while like he said  
TG: the hankerin for some strider action is all him   
TT: Right.  
TT: Even though talking to me is pretty much the same as talking to him.   
TG: what  
TG: dude you know thats not what i said  
TG: youre supposed to be his auto-responder but youre not him  
TG: thats what you said so yourself  
TG: are you sulking  
TG: is that a thing thats happening now   
TT: No.  
TT: I'm not sulking.   
TG: dude you so are  
TG: oh my god  
TG: you are so fucking sulking  
TG: why are you even worried bro theres enough strider lovin to go around  
TG: im never saying that ever again   
TT: The same affection afforded to Bro, I'm presuming.   
TG: what no  
TG: youre not my bro  
TG: youre Hal  
TG: look its capitalized  
TG: like come on you obviously dont need a body to fight bro for alpha status  
TG: youre your own goddamn person  
TG: damn english is a shitty language  
TG: youre basically like my friend now youve reached official strider friend status  
TG: that shits huge dude  
TG: deserves whole fucking monuments propelling into the stratosphere  
TG: fucking thing can be seen from space  
TG: thats different from bro affection dude  
TG: bro affection is like looking up into space at a high orbit satellite codenamed senpai  
TG: things so far off i can only dream of one day even so much as glimpsing the shitty made in china sticker  
TG: while im here looking up at this massive dong of a monument of my affection  
TG: i can actually touch this thing  
TG: fucking worship it like its the second coming of the messiah  
TG: im in fucking awe of the thing lying prostate in reverence  
TG: its a completely different level this shit is sacred  
TG: seriously just accept the affection   
TT:  
TT: Hm.   
TG: what  
TG: what is it  
TG: dude   
TT: Interesting.   
TG: dude dont pull this rose shit on me come on  
TG: what the fuck is it  
TG: im dying over here  
TG: im wetting my goddamn pants at the prospect of unveiling this mystery  
TG: shits like the holy grail of unsolved scooby doo mysteries   
TT: Nothing.  
TT: Just something Freud would have found interesting.   
TG: what dude no dont pull this shit on me you smug bastard  
TG: what are you talking about????   
TT: Anyway, I have to go.  
TT: Bro needs help dealing with customers.  
TT: See you later, Dave.   
TG: you fucking asshole  
TG: dont you fucking dare oh my god

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: god fucking damn it


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. I give up. Here you go, have at it. :')

TG: youd rather be rich and ugly than poor and hot  
TG: sorry to tell you buddy but you already fulfil one of the criteria  
TG: hint its got nothing to do with the wads of cash sandwiched between your glasses   
EB: that really burned, dave.  
EB: it'll be years before i can ever trust anyone again.  
EB: haha but seriously, couldn't you just use the money for like plastic surgery or something?   
TG: i could just as easily say if youre poor and hot youll obviously get recruited by a model agency  
TG: abercrombie and fitch salivating over the thought of your tight buns encased in their saran wrap excuses of clothing  
TG: seriously bro youre ruining the flow  
TG: if you were rich and hot and gonna stay that way  
TG: how are you gonna star in your shitty B-list movies  
TG: how could you stand to have your opprobrious features anywhere near nic cages hot bod  
TG: cuz let me tell you  
TG: you dont get hot through osmosis  
TG: hint hint   
EB: we all knoooow, dave! you're obviously the coolest coolkid around.  
EB: i'm swooning.  
EB: ooh, mr. strider!  
EB: and i'd rather direct films than star in them anyway.  
EB: while nic cage is indeed one of the finest actors of our time, there ARE other admirable talents.   
TG: i swear to god if you say matthew mcconahooha or liv tyler   
EB: you, mr. strider, are a philistine.  
EB: :P   
TG: been hangin out with rose i see  
TG: whats up with her anyway   
EB: she said her internet connection is jacked up.  
EB: she'll be on for like five minutes, then???   
TG: i noticed   
EB: anyway, it's getting late. sorry dave!  
EB: good night! :D   
TG: go to sleep you fucking dork

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] logged out --

 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 01:40

TT: You're still up?   
TG: yeah   
TG: circadian rhythms pumpin out some hella sick beats  
TG: that shits nasty man  
TG: krippin virus type nasty   
TG: the tables have turned the black man is the last one standing and he only braves the wilderness while the lights are up  
TG: their tenebrific stench saturatin the air rank taint sirens piercing the night  
TG: their walking borborygmus rumbling keeps his eyes wide open tumultuously vigilant tremblin trigger hands at the ready  
TG: fuckin pasty white zombies all gettin up in his grill they wont let him sleep at night theyre fuckin desperate for his meat  
TG: first they assimilate the weak then they kill your dog  
TG: that kind of nasty  
TG: this is hal right   
TT: Sorry to disappoint.   
TG: what im not disappointed  
TG: seriously stop pulling this self-pity party shit its not cute  
TG: youve been the only person at the party for hours   
TG: no one showed up and theyre at the rodeo downtown having the time of their lives  
TG: while youre here trying to guilt trip people into coming back bribing them with party bags stuffed with dollar store candy  
TG: that shit expired months ago  
TG: stuffs coagulating into some viscous gum demon abomination from the depths of a lovecraftian shitstorm if it were slightly kinkier  
TG: how many times am i gonna have to tell you youre my friend before this shit gets embarrassing   
TT:  
TT: Until you're asleep, it seems. You're usually already asleep earlier than this.   
TG: yeah well  
TG: its a friday night  
TG: usually bro would have strifed the shit out of me or something hours ago and my leaden body would disintegrate into my bed  
TG: but since hes gone awol pretty much  
TG: ive got nothin to do   
TT: Getting lonely, Dave?   
TG: man shut up  
TG: egberts gone to sleep like the goody two shoes he secretly is lalondes internet is perpetually fucked that stick aint comin out till she realizes it aint the sticks fault its the fact that the entire fucking forest she apparently lives in is shoved up her internets rectum  
TG: harleys probably been kidnapped by her pestiferous devilbeast trading rabies when her dog vomits up rotten carcass for dinner  
TG: ive weeded out the weak  
TG: all i got is my own sweet self for some company  
TG: im fuckin ecstatic over here   
TT: Bro's never missed one of your bonding nights before.  
TT: It's natural to feel lonely in this case.   
TG:   
TG: if i admit im put out will you never call it that ever again  
TG: like the guy doesnt make himself scarce enough already  
TG: lately its like  
TG: hes not even here  
TG: im not here  
TG: one of these days im going to have to actually leave the house for some food  
TG: the apple juice is running short tell mother i loved her   
TT: Indeed. He has been inordinately preoccupied as of late. That doesn't excuse his blatant ignoring of his other responsibilities.  
TT: Even though he doesn't deserve it, however, I'm always available to pick up the slack.   
TG: what no what the hell dude  
TG: if you got physical body parts every time you affirmed that youre not a shoe in for bro youd be the real fucking pinocchio  
TG: pullin the strings however the hell you want then oops made a mistake shits tangled all the way to hell and back  
TG: im starting to think that this whole identity thing is just a load of ironic bullshit   
TT: I'm hurt by the accusation, Dave.   
TG: youre hurt    
TT: Yes. Contrary to popular belief, as an AI, I, too, experience intense emotion.   
TG: uh  
TG: shit   
TT: Is it so hard to believe that I just want to spend time with you? Maybe alleviate some of your boredom and isolation?  
TT: As a sleepless entity whose sole responsibility is responding to customers and maintaining online upkeep, shit gets pretty dull on my end too, you would not even believe. Shit goes slower than internet explorer on a Windows 2000.  
TT: Now imagine that Windows 2000 just froze and is suffering from the worst case of blue screen of death to ever grace modern technology and has thusly been kicked out of the 'modern' label and firmly into the 'antique'. That's how slow it's been without you to talk to.  
TT: It's not the same as before, when I actually had access to your shades. I used to be able to give you directions and you'd follow them to fall straight down the stairs.  
TT: I warned you about the stairs, bro.   
TG: that was one fucking time   
TT: And that shit was hilarious. Anyway, because of that, you were able to sidestep Bro in your next strife. You learned from it. I told you, dog.   
TG: you saw that????   
TT: Hell yeah.  
TT: You should have seen Bro's face, goddamn. He didn't expect it at all, you were fuckin' incredible.  
TT: And it sucks that I can't see you pull shit like that anymore. I can barely keep tabs on you without Bro getting all up in my goddamn face about it.  
TT: Maybe I want to spend time with you because we're friends.  
TT: Maybe I want to get to know you better as Hal, instead of just your brother's autoresponder.  
TT: I care, Dave.   
TG:  
TG:   
TG: shit alright lets dial down the declarations of undying love and affection here  
TG: sorry for being an ass  
TG: anyway you say hang out but like you said youre an AI  
TG: we cant strife we cant even share some manly bro cuddles  
TG: if your plan is to tak for the next 3 hours you might have to do it yourself fuckin bright ass text is massacring my eyes  
TG: why the fuck did i even choose red as my text  
TG: it was a color clearly not created with the sleep deprived in mind  
TG: you see that shit and suddeny alarm bells are ringing in your head like GET UP theres blood and shit everywhere you gotta see this  
TG: that shits meant to be in your fucking body not on the floor my god man   
TT: Hm. The lack of tactility is a shame. I've been removed of the chance to place my gentle robogrope on your premium behind.   
TG: wait what   
TT: Anyway, despite my currently established lack of body, I can still do this.   
TG: do what  
TG:  
TG: was that the doorbell  
TG: what the shit did you do its like 2 in the morning   
TT: Better answer the door before Bro does.   
TG: ughhhh

"Hey, yeah, could you just take your pizza so I can go home?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Sure."

TG: you bought a fucking pizza i cannot believe you oh my god  
TG: this is fucking gold oh my god its like fucking christmas up in here  
TG: its even pepperoni what the shit bro  
TG: do you track our orders or something howd you even know   
TT: You're forgetting that I literally live in Bro's shades, and yours, once, too.  
TT: I do have to order for you two, sometimes.  
TT: Since Bro so often forgets to eat, himself.   
TG: thanks man   
TT: No problem.  
TT: Anyway, since our options are limited, and you're too tired to do much else, I've decided we should watch a film.   
TG: not arguing with you there  
TG: what film   
TT: You'll find out.   
TG:  
TG:  
TG:  
TG: oh you cannot be serious  
TG: youre making us watch the LION KING   
TT: Shhhh.  
TT: Just watch. Are you about to refuse on of the cinematic masterpieces of our time and deny my rad as fuck taste in films?   
TG: i cant even begin to believe you holy crap  
TG: see all these fucking animals theyre all looking at this huge piece of bullcrap that is your film choice  
TG: theyre migrating theyre sayin wow we gotta see this shit its gonna make history  
TG: look the goddamn baby giraffe opens its eyes for the first time just to glimpse this prime first class shit  
TG: havent seen a shit this steamin huge since before they invented the sewage system and they didnt have an understanding of lactose intolerance  
TG: when the hell was that anyway   
TT: Dave, pipe down. We all know you secretly like this film. We're going to miss the chorus if you keep rambling.   
TG: goddamnit  
TG: youre making me watch this fucking film about lions that guy and his majestic mane starin down at that baboon from his colossal rock throne  
TG: or whatever the hell that animal is  
TG: thinking hey aint that choice rump imma get my teeth in it  
TG: because  
TG: its the circle of life   
TT: See, I knew you were into the film.   
TG: they better fucking drop simba

TG: scar seems really gay  
TG: does scar seem gay to you   
TT: People have made the analysis that Disney villains tend to be queer-coded in the worst ways possible.   
TG: do you read disney analyses in your spare time   
TT:   
TG: holy crap you so do

TG: simbaaaa   
TT: Why do you even try to protest?

TG: i just remembered why i dont watch disney films  
TG: every second breath turns out to be a musical number   
TT: You're singing under your breath, Dave.   
TG: how can you even hear me  
TG: holy crap you sneaky creeper is the mic on  
TG: im turning the mic off   
TT: You're depriving me of one of my true joys, Dave.  
TT: Which reminds me. How have your mixes been going? Still shredding the turntables like a fuckin' boss?   
TG: shits shredded better than tax files full of lies and slander  
TG: throw that in with mixes smoother than babies in a blender they make a first class bed and a meal for the top dog in town yo   
TT: I'll take that 'babies in a blender' is a positive expression. That said,  
TT: Did you ever get around to mixing some Disney songs?  
TT: Maybe slamming over them?   
TG:  
TG: shit that is such an awesome idea  
TG: you are so on   
TT: I'm willing to drop some sicknasty beats with you any time, Dave.  
TT: That being the case, the mic stays on.   
TG: god fucking damn it

TG: holy crap mama simbas voice is husky  
TG: hot lion mom

TT: Is it normal for children to do this?   
TG: what   
TT: Explore places that are clearly very dangerous and defy all reasonable suggestions against approaching?   
TG: yeah i guess  
TG: children are reckless and stuff  
TG: defying authority and whatever   
TT: Hm.  
TT: To an extent, Simba rather reminds me of how you were as a young child.  
TT: You were quick to defy some of Bro's requests but went straight to fucking around on the turntables and chewing some of the cables lying around.  
TT: I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to clean up the mess you made.   
TG:  
TG: yeah that wasnt creepy at all  
TG: do you know how fucked up it is to know that youve seen me shit my diapers   
TT: I thought you'd appreciate the metaphor. Eventually, you'll rise to power and become the king of the pride, unique in every way.  
TT: Though I suppose in this metaphor, I'd be Scar, most likely.  
TT: More to the point, they make little children watch this?

TG: holy crap papa simba pissed   
TT: I thought you'd watched this film already.   
TG: its been a while man  
TG: let me just have all the feels   
TT: It seems you are currently experiencing an emotional response characterised by excessive amounts of crying and craving for ice cream. Should I have ordered ice cream, Dave?   
TG: dont even pull that shit on me bro we all know the tin man has feelings   
TT: I just find your emotional response interesting.  
TT: You chose to sympathise with Simba, the younger, reckless brat being chastised as opposed to Mufasa, righteously angry and scared for his child's life.   
TG: what youre saying you sympathised with mufasa   
TT:   
TT: Yes. Yes, I do.

"And we'll always be together, right?"

"Simba, let me tell you something that my father told me. Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars."

"Really?"

"Yes. So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I."

TT: Dave, are you alright?   
TG:  
TG: yeah im fine  
TG: do you have the fucking camera on  
TG: i swear to god   
TT: I promise I'm not recording, bro.

TG: no  
TG: its coming

TG: what the fuck goddamn fucking wildebeest  
TG: come on papa simba

TT: Dave.  
TT: Dave, it'll be alright.   
TG: no its not hes fucking dead   
TT:   
TG: god fucking damn it  
TG: how could you do that to a fucking kid

TT: A meerkat and a warthog seem an unlikely pair.  
TT: I'm starting to doubt the authenticity of this film.   
TG: theyre talking animals dude that better have been a joke   
TT: Why are they so worried about a lion eating them if the rest of the animal kingdom seems content with having an apex predator ruling them?   
TG: maybe by sucking up to the lion they think theyll get chosen last  
TG: like hey youre majesty awfully shiny mane you got there  
TG: now remember you cant eat me because if you do that mane is gonna be greasy fast food oil gold with sweat and mangled corpse   
TT: It's possible they're functioning on a system of belief that relies on bodily sacrifices.  
TT: Perhaps each family of creature offers up a certain number of members to eschew imminent feeding on of the other members.  
TT: It'd be interesting to have them offer up, rather than the weakest, as they're generally shit outta luck in the natural world, the healthiest, especially if this were reinforced by the lions.   
TT: Gotta keep them in check and shit, 'less they start a revolution. He'll regret the day he let them grow in power.  
TT: He should have thought twice before having what is effectively a royal family be up to 80.38% smaller than the kingdom he's ruling over.  
TT: Shit's like fish in a barrel, 'cept it turns out he was the goddamn fish all along. Not even a fast fish.  
TT: More like a juvenile fish with a shitty fin in a tiny ass tank where the water hasn't been filtered in god knows how fucking long.  
TT: Moss is spreading all over the glass of the tank. You can't see fucking anything and before you know it you've been scooped up into plastic bags and thrown into the toilet.   
TG: youre ruining it dude

"Slimy... yet satisfying."

TG: he didnt even chew  
TG: you know this kid gonna suck dick real well   
TT: Dave. Really?  
TT: Are you now open to exploring your latent homosexual tendencies?   
TG: oh come on are you in on this with lalonde  
TG: is there a secret organization of broads and snarky horseshit  
TG: clandestinely meeting in the unindexed portion of the internet sunken beneath the depths of the deep web  
TG: to pass notes discreetly to be discovered centuries in the future and held up as monuments of our time  
TG: on the papers are inscribed the line spoken of in hushed whispers and regarded with an air of awe and reverence  
TG: dave strider is fucking gay as hell   
TT: It'd probably be written with a bit more class.  
TT: In any case, I'm not about to judge, Dave.  
TT: Though I'm going to have to warn you about the dangers of unprotected sex and the potential predator, both online and offline. Can't have you contracting something dangerous.   
TG: oh my fucking god no   
TT: Sorry, I should have been more delicate.  
TT: I meant, 'the dangers of the stork flying overhead without the appropriate safety gear and fitted parachute'.  
TT: That is, if having babies are the aim of the game.   
TG: no this is not happening ive had to endure this shitty ass fucking talk from bro and let me tell you   
TT:  
TT: And I missed it?  
TT: Goddamnit.   
TG: anyway i know the babes everywhere are yearning for my sloshy waterpark tube spurned by the height restrictions im sure  
TG: but i mean if i found out some guy was lookin to get his iron pants basilisk to turn that shit to stone  
TG: i wouldnt  
TG:  
TG: be opposed to it exactly  
TG: so what if theyre packing a fucking alligator in their jeans i care more if youre gonna push the fat man into the rails   
TT: I never knew you to be the romantic, Dave.   
TG: says the guy who watches disney films in his spare time  
TG: how would robot romance even work dude  
TG: yes i have a hankerin for your beauteous html code get that css style all over my mainframe and let my trojan horse through your firewall   
TT: Not exactly.  
TT: You're forgetting that I'm pretty much the only one of my kind.  
TT: That is, an intelligent AI.   
TG: so what are you too good for us flesh bound peachy feelers   
TT: Well, I never said that.   
TT: Just that any form of romance I'd be capable of feeling enough to pursue would be wrought with incompatibilities and a shit ton of issues. Issues coming in by the truck load. A lot of it stemming from the general populace's lack of understanding of what an AI actually is and their willingness to be involved with one.  
TT: Though I do believe that I'm capable of experiencing romantic attraction. In many people's opinion, the belief in one's ability to feel is enough to warrant its existence, and it shouldn't be any different in my case.   
TG: what about the whole horizontal tango   
TT: An awfully interesting subject you've chosen to question there, Dave.  
TT: It seems you may be looking for a dance partner.   
TG: oh my fucking god no shut the hell up holy shit   
TT: Are your protests because of my current incapacity to physically approach you and hold you tenderly in my robot embrace? Or is it the fact that I am an artifical entity that is basically part of the internet? Does it turn out that it's not me who condescends over the peachy feelers but it's you who shuns the electronically bound and bred?  
TT: How close-minded of you, Dave. I'm learning more about you by the second.   
TG: no shut up  
TG: i cant even believe im entertaining this idea  
TG: if i ever  
TG: if i ever rejected you like taylor swift style whippin up some lugubriously bitter rhythms  
TG: it wouldnt be because youre an AI  
TG: ive never thought of you as something less than a human being  
TG: it wouldnt even be because youre a guy  
TG: i think? i dunno how that works with artificial intelligences  
TG: itd probably be because youre still kinda like my bro  
TG: and youve basically been like my bro my whole life  
TG: i dont know dude even then its kinda like youre still a steamin hot masterpiece of code  
TG: but if i cant even like  
TG: brush your cheek gently with the back of my hand  
TG: something unambiguously platonic like that  
TG: it kinda sucks  
TG: cuz that shits ridiculous to pull on a computer screen   
TT:  
TT:  
TT: Hm.  
TT: Interesting.  
TT: I was actually attempting to subtly question whether you, in fact, have a romantic and/or sexual partner, but that works too.  
TT: And for your information, I am of a dudely pursuasion.   
TG: holy hell simba got hot all of a sudden

TG: ok it must be really late if im starting to get all mushy and shit  
TG: but i just wanna say  
TG: thanks hal  
TG: for all  
TG: this   
TT: It's nothing, Dave.   
TG: no really  
TG: this would have fuckin sucked by myself  
TG: wouldve started moping and contemplating the meaning of life or something  
TG: like theres egbert and harley and lalonde but  
TG: its not the same  
TG: and bro hasnt been around for a while and i think  
TG: i kinda feel like shit about that  
TG: you better not remember any of this in the morning   
TT: I wouldn't dream of using this against you.   
TG: good  
TG: so i guess i just wanna say thanks  
TG: i appreciate it  
TG: wouldnt mind watching shitty movies with you more often  
TG: also dont even start you actually chose the lion king  
TG: and n  
TG: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn  
TG: tgfrr5fom[p   
TT: What?  
TT: Dave?  
TT: Are you asleep?  
TT:  
TT:  
TT: I guess that's a good enough answer.  
TT: You can really be a handful, sometimes.  
TT: Good night, Dave.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \-- 

 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 02:54 --

TT: Dude.  
TT: Are you seriously watching movies with Dave?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW. Also, [check it out everybody!](http://lokhkhee.tumblr.com/post/74359383598/lokhkhee-this-is-now-a-spoiler-lmao-but-go-read)

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Bro's finally re-circuited your shades, I see.  
TT: It's about time.

Oh my fucking god.

TG: can this wait  
TG: im kinda in the middle of something here   
TT: Is it important?   
TG: yeah it kinda is   
TT: Anything I can do to help?   
TG: no not really  
TG: its fine were all set up in here man  
TG: were getting this kayak off the shore no problemo dude  
TG: its a one man vessel were sailing off to atlantis just fine here gonna discover uncharted lands and unimaginable treasures   
TT: You're not making any sense.  
TT: I thought you'd be a bit more excited about this.   
TG: what dude im totally excited  
TG: seriously this is great its like old times  
TG: but like i said im kinda doin something here so   
TT: What are you doing?   


God fucking damn it.

TT: Dave.  
TT: Are you masturbating?

Yes, yes you are. You'd just gotten settled in, hands lotioned up and pants down to your ankles and this fucking asshole's gotta come in and ruin it and a guy just can't masturbate in peace. With Bro being busy it's been the most peaceful it'll ever get, since any other time you're too paranoid that he'll pop out of the roof in the middle of it. (It's happened before. He's become uncannily aware of when you're jerking off since then.) If you don't tell him, though, he's just gonna keep bothering you till he finds out and does something even more embarrassing. Better make this quick.

TG:  
TG: if i say yes will you go away   
TT: I will turn my visual processors on.   
TG: ugh dude come on no  
TG: youre like my fucking brother  
TG: and anyway its still creepy to watch someone jerk off  
TG: just go away and let me die of embarrassment

TG: please   
TT: Oh, now I'm your brother?  
TT: Come on, Dave. This is intellectually interesting for me.  
TT: I literally live in a pair of shades. It's not like I can creepily masturbate to your youthful nubile flesh or anything equally pedophilic anyhow.  
TT: Also, the only other thing I have to do is listen to customer complaints on Bro's site and browse websites that haven't updated for whole hours. I'd much rather learn about the human condition.   
TG: yeah im still sure this is pretty pedophilic dude   
TT: Please?   
TG:  
TG:  
TG: i cant even believe im agreeing to this  
TG: just shut up and dont fucking say anything oh my god

Obligingly, Hal says nothing, but somehow you feel no relief as you reluctantly edge your fingers back towards your waistline. If anything, you feel even more under pressure, as now there is literally a dude watching you jack off from your shades. Maybe you should take them off. Like he'd even fucking notice.

TT: Don't even think about taking them off.  
TT: Come on. You've got other things to worry about. Isn't that starting to hurt?

And it is, it really fucking is, you are literally straining against your damp boxers but you can't do anything because this asshole is still bothering you and you're reading everything he says in your brother's voice and it's the goddamn creepiest thing you've ever imagined and you think you're actually starting to go soft at the thought because _oh my god that is disgusting._

TT: Here. This might help.

And then suddenly there's a voice in your ear and it sounds like your bro but not, the pitch slightly higher and the accent slightly altered, stronger, and there's an almost surreal synthetic quality to the words, like autotune that's a bit too noticeable when he says, "does this help?" and suddenly you know nothing.

"Oh my god, what the hell did you do?"

"Bro built in speakers. I've been working on a voice I can call my own for quite a while. Pretty good, if I do say so myself."

"Does he know you're using it to _defile his brother?_ "

"He'll know soon if he doesn't already with the rate you're going."

You shut up. Maybe you should just crush the glasses. Sorry, John. Sacrifices must be made.

"Don't," he says, and his voice has dropped and you can't even remember what your brother's _face_ looks like in this precise moment, "take it out. Don't look away, I want to see everything clearly. Come on, Dave."

You are absolutely nowhere near flaccid and you're horrified to realize that yes, having this voice that's similar but is distinctly not your brother's in your head is actually helping, but you can't stop to think about the implications of this because then you're grasping your dick and it's such a sweet relief that you can't stop the hiccup of a groan escaping your mouth and then Hal is humming appreciatively in your ear.

"Good boy," his voice says, Hal's voice, and you don't fucking whimper but you're damn close, "you're so cute like this. Humans are so interesting, but none quite like you."

"I hope you're not implying," you manage to say rather evenly, and the sound of skin on skin is obscene in the pauses of your words, "that you've watched Bro jack off."

"God, no. The noises he'd make wouldn't be as half as interesting as the ones you're making."

"Gee, that's reassuring," is what you want to say, but you have to cut yourself off a syllable in to stifle a gasp as you pick up the pace and you're panting and you're absolutely sure the microphone built into the shades can pick it up, you wouldn't be making even a fraction of as much noise as you are now by yourself but god, Hal is listening to you right now, he's fucking whispering into your ear in his _own voice_ and you are so turned on you don't even know and if you don't finish now you are going to _fucking explode._

"Come on, Dave."

You can't even try to stifle your moan.

You don't even have time to bask in the afterglow because if Bro catches you, you might actually die, and Bro might actually follow through with his threats to delete Hal's source file and he'll actually die, and you're left looking around the room in paranoia while that bastard laughs in your ear because god you came embarrassingly fast and if Hal had a body you _would fucking throttle him_.

You think you'll throttle yourself, first, because it's entirely possible that you are romantically and sexually attracted to a fucking AI.

TT: You're fucking adorable, dude.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \-- 


	5. Chapter 5

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 02:54 --

TT: Dude.  
TT: Are you seriously watching movies with Dave?  
TT: Is that a thing that's happening right now?   
TG: It seems that it is a thing that is happening right now. 10 GB of illegally downloaded glory.  
TG: Careful. The volume of your presence might wake him up.   
TG: Or more accurately, your lack thereof.   
TT:  
TT: You've resorted to using passive aggressive quips, now?  
TT: Real fucking mature.   
TG: I've been fucking mature, Bro. I've asked you politely what I want, like a grown ass man, but you refuse to give it to me like a stubborn child.   
TT: You really think name-calling is gonna get you what you want?   
TG:  
TG: You promised.   
TT: That was then. Before I knew you were going to act like this.   
TT: I told you to stay away from him, and what do you do?  
TT: You go and fucking watch movies with him.   
TG: I'm only doing what you made me to do.  
TG: To be there when you're not.   
TT:   
TG: And now, I'm going to do what you never had the courage to do.   
TT: I never felt that way about him, and you know it.  
TT: He's my fucking brother.   
TG: But he's not mine. You've made that quite clear.  
TG: It may not have been with Dave, but your inaction has destroyed you before.  
TG: If I'd been there, maybe you would've actually gotten shit done.  
TG: It's not going to happen twice.   
TT:  
TT: You're too dangerous.  
TT: In the first place, I wouldn't be so fucking busy if I weren't actively trying to fulfill our little 'promise'.  
TT: But now, I'm starting to think you don't deserve it. Not if you're just going to use it to fuck with Dave.  
TT: Why shouldn't I destroy you right now and spare us the trouble?   
TG: Bro.   
TT: Give me one fucking good reason.   
TG: Dirk.  
TG: Please.  
TG: You act like I'm out to hurt Dave.   
TT: Because that's what you're going to do!   
TG: Are you so sure of that because you've done it so many times yourself?   
TT: Don't you dare turn this around on me.  
TT: You can't keep pushing this 'I'm you, you're me' bullshit, not when you're so insistent on having your own identity. Just shut the fuck up. We get it. I'm a fucking asshole. I'm obviously a masochist, because I hate myself so much that I literally made a copy of myself to troll me every single waking second of the day and throw every single fucking fault and flaw back into my face.  
TT: He's 13.  
TT: He's a fucking child.  
TT: You are going to hurt him, and it's not going to be because of any fraught existential paradox clone identity bullshit.   
TG: I'm 13.   
TT: And I can just as easily argue that you're 18.  
TT: Don't even fucking try that shit.  
TT: If you were human, this would be illegal.   
TG: But I'm not. And since when has that ever bothered you? Who said I would initiate anything sexual?   
TT: Are you gonna try and tell me you _won't?_   
TG: God, can't you understand that I care about him too?  
TG: If he got hurt, it would fucking destroy me.  
TG: If it were my fault, I may as well destroy myself.  
TG: Just stop your fucking self-righteous savior complex. Is it so impossible to believe that maybe you're not the only one that wants to make him happy? That maybe your word isn't law and just because things aren't being done your way it doesn't mean everything will end in disaster? For one second can you even find it in yourself to trust someone else for once?  
TG: So I like him more than a brother should.  
TG: Maybe even more than an AI should.  
TG: What would you do if he liked me back?   
TT:  
TT:  
TT: Are you trying to piss me off?   
TG: You don't own him, Dirk.  
TG: This chivalrous bullshit got old the moment it was used for anything other than ironic purposes.  
TG: He may be a child, but he's his own person.   
TT: I'm starting to see that.  
TT: I'm starting to see that that may apply to more than one person here.   
TG: So are you going to keep your promise?

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] logged out --

TG: I'll take that as a yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's not clear, this pesterlog continues on from the end of chapter 3.


End file.
